How To Spend Christmas Eve

Christmas Eve is finally here (NOT Christmas STEVE, so take that gays!). Anyway, if you're anything like me, you're just dying to eat some delicious Christmas food. While I'm waiting, I figured I might as well write a blog post about how to spend Christmas.

1. Wear sweatpants and a lose fitting top.

If you're anything like me, you'll need expandable clothing.


                               

This is the aim of Christmas!

2. Make yourself look presentable.

People are undoubtedly going to be snapping pictures of you at random moments, probably when you're stuffing your face like the fat Christmas elf you are. The least you can do is make sure your junkie like under eye bags aren't showing as well.

You don't want to be tagged on Facebook looking like this.

3. Don't overdo it.

Christmas Eve isn't a fashion show/beauty display - it's a competition. A competition with yourself. The goal of it? To eat more than you ate last year. To eat more than you've ever done in your life. To eat more than you ever will! Red lipstick is only going to make that unnecessarily complicated.

Take it from Paris: that shit ain't cute.

4. Don't have breakfast.

Don't eat anything at all. Save your appetite for the big Christmas meal.

So are we, Rebecca!

OR

5. Eat cookies for breakfast. 

As many as you want. Don't forget the milk (if you're the type to forget about the milk, I don't even know what to do with you. You need help beyond my capabilities)!

Literally how I looked this morning

6. Have a nap.

If you have a life, you were having wine with your best friends until 6 AM this morning, like me.

IT'S CHRISTMAS!

7. Regardless of whether you decided on 4 or 5, do something to increase your appetite.

Exercising is my activity of choice. If you're in a relationship (or if you're already on Santa's naughty list) sex is a viable option, unless your boyfriend (/random hookup) is "premature".

So I'm told

8. Watch Christmas movies.

"The Holiday", "Home Alone", and "Love, Actually" are favorites of mine!

Such a classic moment!

9. If you choose to watch The Holiday... 

die a little inside every time Jude Law is on screen (side note, while all British boys don't look like him, in my experience many of them are actually that charming.)

I love The Holiday because REASONS!

10. Time to eat!

Eating the Christmas dinner requires being tactical and a bit of planning. You need to take your time and savour every bite of delicious ecstasy that is [insert whatever food you're eating], but you need to be fast enough that you manage to eat about 3 times the amount you'd normally be able to before feeling full. My current record is 3/4 of a duck, 13 caramelized potatoes, half a bowl of sweet'n'sour red cabbage, and 1 liter of soda. Then desert. Yes, I'm proud of this. DON'T HATE ME 'CAUSE YOU AIN'T ME!

This guy is on to something...

11. In my country, we open presents after dinner.

It's fun to watch my little cousins get all excited about their presents.

That's not actually one of my cousins.

12. What you do now is completely optional.

Assuming I'll ever come out of my food coma, I will be attending the annual post-Christmas wine feast at my best friends house (about 30 seconds away from my grandma's house where I'll be spending Christmas Eve). This has become something of a tradition over the past few years. This is just to make sure that we slow down our metabolism after the huge feast so the fat can REALLY get on our stomachs!

Literally us.

So there you have it! My idea of what December 24th should look like! What will you guys be doing?

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Happy Christmas,

5 Ways To Stay Skinny This Christmas

OK, so basically (without giving to much away), I might have something in the works that will enable me to make money off how I look (no, it's not porn). Anyway, discovering this at Christmas time is depressing to say the least. "Why Cah Cah", you might be wondering. Well I'll tell you: I was not exactly planning on being mindful about what I ate. At all. It's Christmas, and I want to eat whatever I want, whenever I want it. Now, however, I've got to keep in mind that I can't let myself slip too far down the slope of ultimate fatarse. OK, I'm complaining about something that - in all honesty - I'm really excited about, so while it does suck that I can't just go full fatass on my entire existence, I won't be too bothered either. So without further ado, here are some tips to not becoming a balloon with a face during Christmas:

1. Go holiday shopping.. on foot

    Holiday shopping is always stressful, and you're bound to get your heart pumping running for the last shampoo/deodorant combo that you've bought for all of your cousins children (variation? What's that?). But imagine doing all this, and then adding to it by WALKING. Picture it: you've got 4 bags full of shit thoughtful gifts, but instead of walking the pathetic 20 feet to your car, you'll walk - wait for it - HOME! On the snowy, icy roads, you'll be slippin'n'trippin' your way through the honking cars, the drivers giving you a Christmasy one-finger wave. You might make some enemies, but hey, they're just jealous that they're not as committed to their fitness as you are. *CAUTION* If you live in America, don't do this or you might get sued.

Look at her, adding some knee-highs. You go girl!

2. Get a job as a mall Santa

    Let's face it: you're fat and you're hairy, and during the Winter you're gonna be more of both. Might as well profit from it. *CAUTION* If you live in America, don't look too happy around the children, or you might get a visit from Dateline NBC.

"Why don't you take a seat over there."

3. Only eat the bad stuff

    My personal favorite: stop eating any healthy meals, so the only thing you put in your body is the bad good stuff. If you're lucky, this means you're not really going to be gaining any weight, because you literally won't have had enough food in total! WHAT could POSSIBLY go wrong? *CAUTION* If you live outside America, this might be too hardcore for you. Thanks to there being hardly any regulation of the food industry, Americans are accustomed to only putting bad food into their bodies. Some of us, however, manage to do it, but it takes years of practice.

Literally how I look right now munching on the latest batch of cookies

4. Stop celebrating Christmas

    OK, it's a little drastic I know, but if you're one of those people who really don't care too much about Christmas, this could be a viable option, and it certainly would excuse you from any Christmas function that required excessive eating. *CAUTION* If you live in America, don't advertise this, as Bill O'Reilly and Fox might come after you for it, and who really needs that drama over a holiday they don't even care about?

Sorry Bill, I can't come to your Christmas party. I'm.. busy.

5. Don't count calories
    If you don't know how many calories the food you're eating contains, your body can't register them = you won't gain weight at all. *CAUTION* If you live in America, everything contains high-fructose corn syrup which is basically the fat juice of the devil, so this doesn't apply.

Wat are this?

Hope these tips help you!

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Yours,