<data:blog.pageTitle/>

OK, so basically (without giving to much away), I might have something in the works that will enable me to make money off how I look (no, it's not porn). Anyway, discovering this at Christmas time is depressing to say the least. "Why Cah Cah", you might be wondering. Well I'll tell you: I was not exactly planning on being mindful about what I ate. At all. It's Christmas, and I want to eat whatever I want, whenever I want it. Now, however, I've got to keep in mind that I can't let myself slip too far down the slope of ultimate fatarse. OK, I'm complaining about something that - in all honesty - I'm really excited about, so while it does suck that I can't just go full fatass on my entire existence, I won't be too bothered either. So without further ado, here are some tips to not becoming a balloon with a face during Christmas:

1. Go holiday shopping.. on foot

Holiday shopping is always stressful, and you're bound to get your heart pumping running for the last shampoo/deodorant combo that you've bought for all of your cousins children (variation? What's that?). But imagine doing all this, and then adding to it by WALKING. Picture it: you've got 4 bags full of ~~shit~~ thoughtful gifts, but instead of walking the pathetic 20 feet to your car, you'll walk - wait for it - HOME! On the snowy, icy roads, you'll be slippin'n'trippin' your way through the honking cars, the drivers giving you a Christmasy one-finger wave. You might make some enemies, but hey, they're just jealous that they're not as committed to their fitness as you are. *CAUTION* If you live in America, don't do this or you might get sued.

Look at her, adding some knee-highs. You go girl!

2. Get a job as a mall Santa

Let's face it: you're fat and you're hairy, and during the Winter you're gonna be more of both. Might as well profit from it. *CAUTION* If you live in America, don't look too happy around the children, or you might get a visit from Dateline NBC.

"Why don't you take a seat over there."

3. Only eat the bad stuff

My personal favorite: stop eating any healthy meals, so the only thing you put in your body is the ~~bad~~ good stuff. If you're lucky, this means you're not really going to be gaining any weight, because you literally won't have had enough food in total! WHAT could POSSIBLY go wrong? *CAUTION* If you live outside America, this might be too hardcore for you. Thanks to there being hardly any regulation of the food industry, Americans are accustomed to only putting bad food into their bodies. Some of us, however, manage to do it, but it takes years of practice.

Literally how I look right now munching on the latest batch of cookies

4. Stop celebrating Christmas

OK, it's a little drastic I know, but if you're one of those people who really don't care too much about Christmas, this could be a viable option, and it certainly would excuse you from any Christmas function that required excessive eating. *CAUTION* If you live in America, don't advertise this, as Bill O'Reilly and Fox might come after you for it, and who really needs that drama over a holiday they don't even care about?

Sorry Bill, I can't come to your Christmas party. I'm.. busy.

5. Don't count calories
If you don't know how many calories the food you're eating contains, your body can't register them = you won't gain weight at all. *CAUTION* If you live in America, everything contains high-fructose corn syrup which is basically the fat juice of the devil, so this doesn't apply.