Vacuum Violence

OK, I decided it was time to clean. I've been moving some things around, decluttering and all that feng shui harmony-in-your-home shit, and I figured "Hey, you own a vacuum cleaner, why not use it?"

Me and my "great ideas".

First of all, my eyes are BURNING. I am apparently highly allergic to dust, so right now I'm sitting here, my entire face and body itching, throat is sore and scratchy, and MY EYES ARE BURNING. Oh, I wrote that twice? Well I have two eyes, and they're both on fire! I'll probably wake up with a rash everywhere! Thank God for Elizabeth Arden's 8 Hour Cream!

As if all of this wasn't enough, I was also assaulted. I am on the floor, doing my thing, sucking away (he he), and apparently I have gone too far away from the vacuum cleaner or something, because suddenly this machine is all over my back, trying to get it on; I manage a small yelp of fear, because for a split second I think it's trying to rape me, and the idea of getting raped by a vacuum cleaner is just one of the scariest thoughts ever, considering the considerable length of the equipment. Needless to say, the only one doing any cleaning around here ever again, is going to be Consuela.