"Kanye West - Bound 2" Review

Ever since Kanye West released the video for his tragedy song "Bound 2" last month, I've received numerous requests from people dying to hear my opinion on it. I must admit, I never intended to watch the video. From the descriptions people gave me, I feared it would be a trauma from which I would never recover. Lying in my bed at 3:30 AM, tired, bored, and waiting for my opponent in Quiz Battle to finish her turn, I decided "why not?"

BIGGEST. MISTAKE. EVER. What I watched can never be unwatched! What I heard can never be unheard! I have to live with the memory of that absolute piece of trash for the rest of my immortal life (yes, I am Nosferatu). Suddenly it was clear to me: the people asking me to watch the video didn't want my opinion - they just didn't want to suffer alone. After I was done crying and hugging myself, I got out of the fetal position, took a xanax or four, et voila: here I am, writing down my thoughts in a (drug induced) daze of absolute calm.


The "song" opens with a seal sounding son of a slag (hihi, so many "s'es"! Clever Cah Cah! Oops I did it again - threw in a Britney reference as I was pointing out my other word play. God I'm good.). Anyway, then you (think you) realize that it actually is seal, only he hasn't had a recognisable song since "Kiss From A Rose", which I didn't even know about until Mad TV did a skit about him and Heidi Klum.

Even with Kim's considerable assets, it takes a while before you realize that there's a woman on the bike.

Next up we've got Kim K trying to look all Beyoncé (I'm rhyming as well. Such poetry!) Delightfully, Queen Bey shows Kim and everyone else how Yoncé rocks the body silhouette thing (which she's done better than anyone else since Naughty Girl) in the song "Partition" off her new so-called 'visual album' (I just call it my new 'material' if you know what I'm saying. HOT!)

Do I even need to say anything? Now *that* is a silhouette!

Then, for no reason other than mentioning something about Jamaican, Kanye does a fail pretend Jamaican accent. It's so bad, it leaves you wondering whether he's been taking accent classes from a deaf person.

One of the worst things about the (supposed) song, is the beat (or complete lack thereof). It feels out of place and doesn't match the rhythm of the song at all and as a listener, the confusion caused by the audio parallels that which is caused by the visual.

Then, without warning, there's Seal again suddenly. There's no opening for him to actually join the song again - he just does, and the transition is as smooth as a single woman's legs during winter. It makes no sense. At all. At this point I'm starting to get annoyed. "This is why you never made it big Seal - you have no musical integrity. If you did, you would never have let your song be sampled by this moron. I never thought I'd say this, but I really hope you were ripped off." When the torture song finally ended, I googled what the sample was and discovered it wasn't Seal at all, but some respectable motherfucker called Charlie Wilson (who must be *very* desperate to end his career). Sorry Seal - I guess your lackluster career has nothing to do with your lack of integrity at all.

Is that Kanye or some sort of worm? Same difference.

Throughout the entire video, there were two things that kept catching my attention in the way that a really hairy mole does: Kanye has neck rolls the size of Kim's breasts and Kim looks so much like Kris suddenly (that's not a compliment, simply an indicator of too much bad plastic surgery).

All in all, the music and lyrics are so bad, this could have been the next "Friday", only it lacks any form of catchiness and therefore could only dream to achieve the same level of playing power that "Friday" has enjoyed.  Aha honey.


I'm off to bed now. Maybe I'll wake up and discover this was all just a bad dream. If not, I can always take comfort in the fact that James Franco and Seth Rogen made a hilarious parody video that literally saved my night. Hopefully I'll have dreams about Seth Rogen's back and shoulder hair - it's preferable to the obnoxiousness of Kim and Kanye.

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Yours,