6 New Year's Resolutions That Never Work

Ah, December 31st: the day we all make magical, unbreakable pacts with ourselves that dictate how we're going to improve. There's something so symbolic about starting a new year. It's the ultimate symbol of a fresh start, and it fills our little hearts and minds with hopes and dreams about what our lives, and we ourselves, could be. We see ourselves 20 pounds lighter, in tip top shape, sipping on green smoothies, and doing charity work. "This", we tell ourselves, "is how my life is going to be. How I am going to be. Who I am, is hereby changed, undefined by my previous lifestyle. Naturally, by mid-January we realize that we can't do what we set out to do, feel bad about ourselves, cry, and vow that next year will be the year. You just "weren't ready". In honor of this wondrous day, I decided to compile a list of the top 6 New Year's resolutions that never work.

6. "I'm going to drink less."

Sure. You're 20-something, you're single, have no responsibilities, and you make this resolution at a New Year's Eve party. Intoxicated. Nothing wrong with this picture.

"NO MORE DRINKING!"

5. "I'm going to stop smoking."

You want to know the best time to stop smoking? Right now. Aaaah, but I know, how can you stop right now, I mean New Year's is happening and you have to smoke on New Year's. It would really just be sabotaging your own efforts to stop now, right? Wrong. This attitude is why you're going to fail. Don't even bother making this resolution.

Keep this in mind and you'll be fine!

4. "I'm going to break my routine/do something I've always wanted to do."

If you're the type of person that has to make a resolution to do these things, you're not going to do them. You've probably made this type of resolution several times before, but never acted on it. Perhaps you even bought guide books about places you really want to go. Cherish those books, because they're the only glimpse you'll ever get into another culture than the one which immediately surrounds you. OK, that's not entirely true: you're probably an avid user of Google Earth.

Listen to Jenna. She knows.

3. I'm going be a better version of me.

A better version of you? If that's all you've got, you fail to see the issue. We don't want a better version of you; we want a completely different version. Someone who's not an absolute asshole. Stop wasting our time. Seriously, what does "better version of me" even mean? If you're a prick, are you going to be a better prick? I'm confused? Wat?

That's right, Beyoncé. You don't have to change at all. You're perfect!

2. I'm going to be healthier.

You're not going to be healthier. Stop being delusional. Are you magically going to enjoy salad? Are you going to be perfectly happy replacing pasta and rice with spinach leaves and peppers? Let me burst this bubble for you: it took me 1½ - 2 years of eating green every day before I started to enjoy it. The amount of dedication it takes to completely change your eating habits if you, like me, hate(d) healthy food is intense, and a simple New Year's Resolution is not going to make any fucking difference. I'm just assuming that you dislike healthy food, as there's no other viable excuse for an unhealthy lifestyle. If you seriously enjoy healthy food and intentionally make unhealthy choices on a daily basis: get off my blog, bitch. By enjoy, I mean seriously enjoy. Don't be one of those flabby McDonald's looking bitches that always loudly proclaim to "love salad" every time someone is within earshot. You're not fooling anyone.

No, you don't understand!

And the number one, ultimate, most classic, overused, unachieved resolution of them all is...

1. I'm going to lose weight

The number 1 New Year's resolution of all time. Related to number 2. OK honey, here's the deal. If you weren't disciplined enough to do it in the previous year, nothing is going to magically change and give you motivation for the coming year. Motivation and determination don't appear out of thin air - you decide to be motivated. You decide to be determined. Then you work hard. Stop wishing on stars and making promises. You can start losing weight whenever you want.

You think by making a resolution you're gonna be determined?

You might be upset, thinking that in your case it's going to be different, but it's not. Stop kidding yourself.

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HAPPY NEW YEAR, my lovelies xx
Yours,